So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
