Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
