Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i think my cat just said my name.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
