i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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