Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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