i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
