Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
