Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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