If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
