i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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