Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
