Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
