saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
