His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
