She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
