nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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