mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
