so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
