I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
