Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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