Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
