oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
