How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
