im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
