either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
