i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
