hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
