i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
