So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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