my shit smells like andre
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
