I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
