I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
