She tied me up with her honor cords...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's shark week go big or go home
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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