I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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