I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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