i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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