Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
