there's paper in my vomit.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
