I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
handjob tips. give me some.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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