i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
