HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My balls are so social today.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Boobs speak an international language.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
