The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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