can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
