i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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