I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
