Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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