I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
