Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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