It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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