I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
