Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
